


As easy as loving Issei

by carxies



Series: I'm still only a human [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Dialogue Light, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Slice of Life, artist Mattsun, writer Makki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-07
Updated: 2016-06-08
Packaged: 2018-07-12 22:21:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7124590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carxies/pseuds/carxies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything is just so easy with Mattsun. But then there’s the thing - Hanamaki also can’t stand it. He hates lying, especially to kind people like Matsukawa, however he can’t tell him the truth either. So he lets the guilt swallow him whole when he catches one of Matsukawa’s gentle smiles before another kiss is stolen from him and his hands clutch what he doesn’t deserve.<br/>If everything was as easy as kissing Mattsun, then maybe Hanamaki would be able to sleep at night.</p><p>Or, Makki makes some mistakes and then he can only pay for them and try to make it all better</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FreckledYamaguchi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FreckledYamaguchi/gifts).



> For my adopted baby owl \\(~v~)/

It’s because of his homophobic mother. Hanamaki might be straight, however that doesn’t stop him from hating the way she talks about gay people, like they’re not even people, just like Hanamaki, just like her. His friends are gay, after all, and there isn’t a single thing wrong with that, Hanamaki thinks. It doesn’t even affect him or people around the two of them. So, logically, he tries to talk some sense into his hopeless mother.  He sits down with her, makes tea, and does his best to explain everything from the beginning; he did his research after all. But no, no matter what he says, she doesn’t consider changing her point of view, not even shifting it a tiny bit. She remains ignorant and hateful.

 

By the time the spring comes, he grows desperate, because how can he tell her that he plans on living with Oikawa and Iwaizumi, when she hates all the gay people (especially Oikawa for some reason) ? Hanamaki is sure that the second he announces his college roommates, he will be forced to find someone more suitable, someone _less gay._ But there’s no way he will live with some strangers when he can share a room with his friends.

 

Naturally, Hanamaki comes up with a plan. It’s simple, yet genius. How can his mother hate gay people if her own son is gay? Well, he isn’t, but he can pretend that he is, that shouldn’t be hard, _because gay people are just like anyone else._ His plan A sadly fails. He prepares his speech and gets his mother to listen the whole masterpiece of Hanamaki’s (fake) coming out. However, when he’s done, the woman only sighs and shakes head, scolding him that she has no time for his nonsense and goes back to work.

 

It is kind of not so surprising; Hanamaki has brought some of his girlfriends home, so of course she wouldn’t believe him now. This is not the time to give up, though, Hanamaki decides and works on the plan B, which is a bit more difficult.

 

 

“You want a boyfriend?” Oikawa raises an eyebrow.

"Yeah. Will you help me?"

"I'm not sure. Tell me why, first."

 

Hanamaki thinks for a while before he replies: “I wanna try it.”

The other male frowns at this, tiny wrinkles appearing on his forehead. “I don’t like this. No.”

 

Hanamaki sighs, but he doesn’t blame Oikawa for refusing to help with this. He knows that the brown haired man was used like a ‘tester’ many times before, mainly because he was simple appealing to look at, and he hates even the idea of straight people testing the waters with gay people. Hanamaki definitely doesn’t want to become one of these assholes, but right now, he sees no other way out if he really wants to convince his mother that she’s wrong. He assures Oikawa that he will not hurt anyone and the other man breathes out in relief, before he goes back to complaining about his boyfriend.

 

It’s the mentioned man who saves Hanamaki. Unintentionally, but still. Thanks to Iwaizumi, Hanamaki meets the tall, dark haired beauty called Matsukawa. He is shocked to find out that he’s single and even more shocked when someone like him, a handsome artist with lazy smirk, is interested in Hanamaki. Hanamaki’s gut screams at him to admit he’s straight, not to lead Matsukawa on, but his own selfish intentions make him take the chance. He pretends not to see Oikawa’s glare when his back hit the cold wall of Iwaizumi’s parents’ flat as Mattsun kisses him for the first time. He pretends not to remember what he’s asked earlier when Oikawa shouts at him on their way home. He pretends not to see the guilt staring at him back from the mirror when he tries to cover the mark Mattsun has left on his neck. I will tell him the next time I see him, Hanamaki thinks. He will understand and maybe even help him.

 

He grows to like hanging out with Mattsun. The man has similar taste in music and movies and the topics seem to never run out when they talk. They get on so easily, it’s crazy. Hanamaki doesn’t have to try, he doesn’t have to over think things. Everything is just so easy with Mattsun. But then there’s the thing - Hanamaki also can’t stand it. He hates lying, especially to kind people like Matsukawa, however he can’t tell him the truth either. So he lets the guilt swallow him whole when he catches one of Matsukawa’s gentle smiles before another kiss is stolen from him and his hands clutch what he doesn’t deserve. If everything was as easy as kissing Mattsun, then maybe Hanamaki would be able to sleep at night.

 

 

Hanamaki announces that he has a boyfriend a month after meeting Matsukawa. His mother pays attention this time, her eyes wide in shock when he admits that all those marks on his body are from him. His chest feels both light and heavy when he does, something he’s never experienced before.

 

“I want to meet him then,” his mother replies with a scowl on her aged face.

 

Hanamaki nods and rushes back to his room, texting Mattsun to come over. Just as he sends the message, he realises how fatal mistake he’s made. He hasn’t considered his mother to continue hating gay people, hating him and the worst case, hating Mattsun. The realisation of putting Matsukawa before himself, putting him first, catches him himself of the guard. He continues feeling funny as he lies on his bed, staring at stupid picture Mattsun has send him the last time they spoke.  He wonders what it would be like if everything was as easy as talking to Mattsun.

 

Much to his surprise, Hanamaki’s mother already loves Mattsun the first time they meet. He should be happy, really, because his plan worked, and now he can tell her that he will live with Oikawa and she won’t mind, she listened to Mattsun after all, even apologized for thinking the way she did. He should be happy, really, because his plan worked and he doesn’t need to pretend to date a guy, however he isn’t pretending anymore and the guy is Mattsun. The guy is Mattsun, who brought one of his drawings as a present for Hanamaki’s mother. The picture now hangs on the wall of their hall and every time Hanamaki passes it, he must look away so the guilt doesn’t eat him alive.

 

 

“I can’t wait for college, is that weird?” Mattsun asks as he looks up at Hanamaki.

“No, but it means you’re a huge nerd,” Hanamaki laughs in response, “However, it makes sense, you will study what you love, after all.”

 

The dark haired man smiles and nods, placing a single kiss on Hanamaki’s palm, before he closes his eyes.

 

Hanamaki decides to blame his mother for this mess he’s into. It’s her fault that Hanamaki is now nothing but a dirty liar, every word slipping past his lips even worse than the previous one. Hanamaki might be straight, but that doesn’t stop him from longing for more touches, more kisses, more of Mattsun.

 

Hanamaki shouldn’t be doing this. Sadly, he knows it’s only his own fault. He also knows what he needs to do, but he can’t bring himself to do it. Especially when he watches a sleepy smile followed by the cutest yawn Hanamaki has ever witnessed. He doesn’t be doing this. But still, his hand fits perfectly into Mattsun’s and their heartbeats match before Mattsun falls asleep in Hanamaki’s arms, looking so content while he’s dreaming that it brings Hanamaki to tears. He wishes everything was as easy as sleeping next to Mattsun.

 

“I told you not to do it!” Oikawa shouts at him, again, when he calls him in the middle of the summer night, “I told you not to use people!”

“I know,” Hanamaki whispers, tears already pooling in his eyes and he is really glad that Mattsun was not woken up by the call.

“I’m telling you to break up with him. _If even one cell in you stayed the same as in a decent human being, break up with him,_ ” the other man demands, before he hangs up, and leaves Hanamaki to cry his eyes out in the quiet room.

 

He has no idea why Oikawa has brought it up now, maybe he simply ran out of patience with Hanamaki being terrible person, but maybe it’s time to come clean, even if it means that Mattsun will hate him. _Tomorrow_ , he decides. That’s why he stays up the whole night, because he already knows that he will lose this tomorrow. Weird feeling creeps in his chest, however Hanamaki can’t lay a finger on what it is. If it was important, he would know what it is, so he pushes it away the best he can.

 

 

He does break up with Mattsun the following morning. “I think we should stop dating,” he says flatly instead of ‘good morning’.

 

The other man thinks he’s joking at first, but when Hanamaki remains serious, Mattsun sits up quickly, dazing at him. “What? Why? Have I done something? If so, I’m sorry, Makki.”

 

Hanamaki can’t stand it. He hates lying, especially to Matsukawa, so he tells him the truth from the start.

 

“ _Oh_ ,” Mattsun breathes out and glares at the wall while Hanamaki builds another one between them, “So that’s how it is.”

 

Hanamaki only nods.

 

“It’s just,” the dark haired boy laughs humourlessly, “I wouldn’t expect something so low from you, but then again, you were pretty straightforward from the minute we have met. Well, I’m glad I helped with your plans, but now please get out of my bed. Please, get out.”

 

He tries to apologize, however it leaves them both shouting and crying and when Hanamaki can’t take the pained expression on Mattsun’s face anymore, he runs, runs as fast as he can till he’s buried in his sheets, soaking them with tears that he himself caused.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Meeting you was like welcoming spring in my chest. Slowly, my heart started blooming thanks to you, but then the autumn came, and I realised that nothing blooms forever. So here I am, cold taking over me, and I can only hopelessly hope that spring will come once more.”

Living with Oikawa and Iwaizumi is both great and terrible. Hanamaki finds their fights hilarious, they even help with healing his heart a tiny bit as he laughs at them, but it’s when they make up and cuddle each other when Hanamaki feels lonely. Rather than lonely, alone. He tries texting and calling Mattsun and he, not so surprisingly, never replies and never answers. Hanamaki buys Mattsun’s favourite sweets and sends them after Iwaizumi; however the man always brings them back to Hanamaki’s desk. He then takes them to the class with him and lets the guy sitting next to him eat them all, because Hanamaki simply cannot bring himself to enjoy them without Mattsun.

 

It’s only when Oikawa arrives to the room completely soaked thanks to the storm outside, his tears mixing with raindrops on his cheeks, that Hanamaki learns their fights aren’t always hilarious. It’s heartbreaking to see the man who always wears his head high drop his pride as he sobs into his pillow because Iwaizumi doesn’t come back that night.

 

The following day is long and grey, barely leaving anything in Hanamaki’s memory.

 

“You’re the lucky one, you know? You’re not the one who got their heart broken,” Oikawa says as he sits in the middle of his bed restlessly.

“You didn’t actually break up, did you?” Hanamaki frowns into the darkness of the room.

 

The clock ticks away five minutes after two in the morning and neither of them can sleep, both waiting for something that they’re unsure will happen.

 

“I’m not talking about myself here,” Oikawa replies, “But Matsukawa.”

 

Hanamaki’s stomach flips at the words and he turns to face the other man. “Why are you talking about him now?”

“Because I warned you, didn’t I? I told you not to hurt him, didn’t I ? And what you said? No, what you promised! Tell me, Makki.”

 

Hanamaki only stares. He deserves the harsh tone of Oikawa’s voice. He deserves all the nasty looks he and Iwaizumi give Hanamaki when they think he can’t see them.

 

“Tell me, Makki,” the man repeats himself.

“I promised I wouldn’t hurt him,” Hanamaki whispers.

 

Oikawa stays quiet for a second, before he replies with soft voice again. “He’s just so hurt, Makki.”

 

It’s right there, between four thin walls covered with posters and schedules, between two eyes wide in the dark, where full of shame, he realises the most obvious thing of all – he loves Mattsun. He loves his always dirty hands due to all the colourful markers, he loves his lazy smirk and hooded eyes. Maybe it’s too late and maybe it’s too early, either way he catches his body aching to ignore the pouring rain and run back to Mattsun to make it right. He doesn’t do that though, because Iwaizumi doesn’t return that night either.

 

 

Hanamaki has never been a patient person. He wants to open his gifts the first second he sees them, he wants to know the ending the first second he knows the beginning. That’s why he grabs his jacket right after they finish a Sunday breakfast and he runs out of the room and down the street. His feet remember the way to Mattsun’s house perfectly, he stops few feet from it as he spots the boy sitting on the porch, sketchbook in his lap and head in his hands.  When he looks up, he seems exhausted, his face missing the usual lazy smile. Just as Hanamaki is about to close the distance between them, _finally_ , someone else does. Another young male comes outside and sits beside Mattsun, pressing a light kiss on his cheek.

 

Maybe it’s because of the slight smog and the clouds that cover the sky, but Hanamaki would swear that the world got a little darker in that moment. Any sentences die in his throat as he watches Mattsun tearing a page out of the book and throwing it aside before leaning against the stranger. Hanamaki takes one last look, burying it deep in his memory, and then he turns on his heel and drags his feet back to the campus, all the feelings he can’t quite explain bubbling in his chest.

 

The sight he gets when he opens the door to their room is another stab into his already bleeding heart. Oikawa sits in Iwaizumi’s lap blissfully, just like many other times, while the dark haired man keeps whispering words meant to stay only between the two of them. Hanamaki mumbles his apologies before he storms out, away from the perfect example of what he could have had. He is the one who doesn’t come back that night.

 

“Losing someone doesn’t kill you, it only makes you feel like it did,” Oikawa tells him few days before Christmas when they’re alone, “ _Plus_ , what’s lost can be found again. It might be the time to make up, even as friends.”

 

Hanamaki thinks about these words during his days off. He comes up with million apologies, but neither of them is good enough and Hanamaki realises that no apology in the world will ever be enough to wash away what he’s done. He decides not to remind Mattsun his old wounds and let them heal without Hanamaki threatening to open them up again. The message wishing happy New Year is the last he sends before Matsukawa’s number stay hidden deep in Hanamaki’s phone, new texts and calls pushing it out of the history.

 

 

His first assignment for the writing class in the next semester is hell. He feels like the universe it laughing at him.

 

“What is it again?” Oikawa asks as he slumps his legs over Iwaizumi’s lap.

“How would you describe your relationship with someone who’s no longer in your life. Why would he want us to write something like this?”

 

Iwaizumi shrugs as he strokes Oikawa’s knee gently. “I guess it’s kind of a challenge for you.”

“Yes, to see if you can write about the tough stuff as well.”

 

The things turn out to be even worse when the teacher tells the class that they will read their works out loud- it wasn’t supposed to be anything long, after all. Hanamaki curses himself for bringing what he did and thinks about quickly writing something else; however he is called first. He stands up, his limps suddenly too heavy as he clears his throat.

 

_“Meeting you was like welcoming spring in my chest. Slowly, my heart started blooming thanks to you, but then the autumn came, and I realised that nothing blooms forever. So here I am, cold taking over me, and I can only hopelessly hope that spring will come once more.”_

 

Not only one of his female classmates comes to ask him about his work after the class end. He almost laughs as the question if he’s broken up with his girlfriend.

 

By the time the spring finally warms the cold days, he meets Matsukawa again, ironically enough. Months have passed since he last laid his eyes on the tall man, however it feels like barely a day when Mattsun smiles, brighter than any sunny day Hanamaki’s had experienced. He has grown from his boyish beauty into more mature charm, his face sharper than Hanamaki’s hands remember. Naturally, Hanamaki stops in his track and stares, stares at the way Mattsun grins at the same man he’s seen months ago, the way the stranger smiles back, the way they look happy together. Once more, he runs before he can tear the stitches of Matsukawa’s wounds.

 

The summer is a torture. Every single thing somehow remind Hanamaki how big fool he is to let go what he should have held close to him. The street artist he meets on his way home remind him how he let Mattsun paint on his bare back, his weight rested on Hanamaki’s bum while the colours created a galaxy on his skin. When he got up after that, he couldn’t feel his bottom, but that didn’t matter, because he and Mattsun laughed and laughed how much hipster that was. The puppy his cousin brings to show reminds him how Mattsun squealed almost inhumanly when his grandma announced her dog will have puppies. The last thing that brings him over the edge is the picture hanging in their hall, just like it was yesterday when his mother placed it there, congratulating her son for having such talented boyfriend.

 

Once again, he runs, but not away this time. He runs towards Mattsun’s house, not caring it’s almost eleven in the night. There are so many memories in the streets he passes, the corner where they joked about Oikawa’s hair, the sidewalk where Hanamaki dropped his popsicle and Mattsun gave him the rest of his own. There are too many memories to let them become only a history.

 

He knocks on the door breathless, and when Mattsun opens the door, he throws himself into his arms before the other man can do anything. Much to his surprise, his gesture is soon returned, two large hands clutching his shirt. Hanamaki doesn’t know who starts crying first; maybe they both do at the same time. He isn’t sure how to take it, but for now, he accepts what he gets, which is a tight embrace and quiet tears. He mumbles the apologies over and over, although they’re not enough, they’re something.

 

“You know,” Mattsun says when they lie on his bed, “I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

“Me neither,” Hanamaki replies.

 

 

His first assignment for the writing class in the next semester is tough. Mattsun peeks over his shoulder into the laptop screen before he reads out the first sentence Hanamaki has written. “ _’We are two ends of one string, connected no matter how far apart we remain.’_ Sappy. Is that about me? ”

 

“Oh please, you’re so full of yourself.”

 

A year. So much time was stolen from them, but still, Hanamaki’s hand fits perfectly into Mattsun’s and their heartbeats match before Mattsun falls asleep against Hanamaki’s back, softly snoring into his shoulder. He wishes everything was as easy as loving Issei.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt so bad while writing the Iwaoi part :( But they're disgustingly happy now

**Author's Note:**

> I just want to say that I love my babies and I'm sorry I made Makki do this, he is a good person


End file.
